I’ll cut to the chase but you probably get the picture now. This ‘inferiority complex’ of mine; No no. I’ll call it the ‘I feel ugly’ syndrome, posed as serious barriers to me. I couldn’t make friends. I was too darn shy. I lacked confidence to speak up. My heart pounded each time the spotlight turns to me (and it still does. You should have seen me yesterday. I’ll get to that soon. Be patient!) I kept quiet even when I so badly wanted to speak up.
I’d rather stay home, listen to music and write than have to sit with a bunch of strangers (ps. That was how I spent my Easter. Not the sitting with strangers lolsss). I was more than happy when the rain would fall really hard and prevented me from going somewhere. It was (or is) the greatest joy when they forget to call my name up. I give praise to God when an event which I was supposed to perform is cancelled. (honestly that’s like best day ever!!!!)
So did I ever change? Did the hero of the story finally step up? Umm…yes…actually no. Okay, look its way more complex than that. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that change doesn’t happen overnight. So don’t beat yourself up just because kisses don’t actually turn frogs to princes. It takes way more than that. You have to be willing change. Then change your mind-set. There’s an unbelievable power in your mind-set. It’s what makes you act the way you do. For me one of the best ways of transforming it is by confessing it. start calling yourself a prince/princess even before you turn out to be one. Besides true beauty is knowing who you are.
I bet you’re aching to find out what happened yesterday. Patience pays off my dear. And because you’ve read 404 words to reach this moment I will. Imagine this; you’re seated, facing the altar. The preacher’s wife is speaking. She’s been speaking for the past 20 minutes calling on different people and somehow you’ve managed escaping from being called out to answer a question. There’s a sigh of relief from your lips despite the fact that a part of you is aching to speak up because you know these answers so well. Then a man from the audience asks a question. You raise your hand so quickly and not more than a few inches from your body. Not enough for anyone to notice this. Others are answering the question and now your entire soul is aching to speak up because you have something very different to say. Then a young pastor seated in front of you notices this and beckons on you to raise your hand much higher and helps signal an usher to hand me a mike.
I stand up after waiting for the person to talking to finish and I speak up. I finally mustered the courage to say something though I needed a little push to do so. You see in life there mayn’t always be ‘young pastors’ to notice and give you that push you need. But you still need to just take a step.
And the good news is I didn’t die, didn’t faint, didn’t get laughed at, didn’t make a silly blunder but I did speak up. Because I just took a step. Do you know what that step was? Having the courage to get up, dress, go to church all alone on foot and even sit at front (third row! Can you believe that?).
Now that’s a big victory to me…. smiles…